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Monday, January 19, 2009

How to Not Suck as a Customer

OK, I have been working in customer service or similar fields for over 10 years, and I have some insight on how to be a better customer. That’s right, how you ignorant fucks can help people like me better take care of your problems.

1: I know you’re a very busy and important person (insert eye-rolling and universally recognized mock-masturbation hand gesture here), but call from your home or office, because your cellular phone sucks the ass out of a wooden hobby horse. I’m sure your spare-no-expense-to-impress-perfect-strangers electronic ego stroke is the very cutting-edge in gossip technology, but on the other end of your call you sound like your mumbling into a bucket of water, in a tin shack, in a hailstorm, at the far end of a tunnel. And that goes double for you bluetool douchebags. At least your high-tech Freudian phallus picks up every speck of ambient sound in your fucking county, everything but your voice, that is. Your speaker phone is no better, either. I'm sure all your asshole friends are in awe of your multitasking skills, but we don't want to listen to your shitty music/collection of bad tv shows or the clinking of your dishes, do that shit later. The majority of them are also sound-activated, so they clip off the first part of anything you say, that's why we keep asking you to repeat yourself, asshole.

2: Have your shit together. Don’t make me ask a hundred fucking questions, know what you want when you call! If you needed your account number the last fifty times you called, then yes, you’ll fucking need it this time as well! I don’t want to listen to dead air while you rummage through your purse/wallet/filing cabinet/fish tank/mother’s corpse to get a copy of your last bill for information you know good and goddamn well you’re going to need before you even call. Don’t make me fucking guess. And have a fucking writing utensil ready too, because chances are pretty good that I’ll have some useful information that I guarantee you won’t remember.

3: Put your fucking squalling offspring the fuck down! Trust me, your spawn will survive for two minutes without you carrying them around. I also have no desire to shout over your screaming child, or have your child’s screams amplified directly into my ears. Shockingly, I don’t have children. Mostly because I’m too selfish to be a father (and am man enough to admit it) but also because I despise unruly children and their weak-ass, clueless parents. That’s right, I don’t like kids. Even yours? Especially yours.

4: I did not create your problem. That’s right, I’m not the one you need to shriek at. If you waited until the last minute to bring your car in for service or pay your bill, etc., it’s your fucking fault for waiting till the last minute to get shit done! Don’t get all indignant on me, and fuck your unrealistic expectations, because I don’t care how so-and-so do things. Go there, and stop wasting my fucking time with your bullshit sense of entitlement. Just because you can’t plan your day or budget your time effectively, don’t expect me or my people to drop everything to stop the world just for you.

5: If you don’t make an appointment or reservation for service, be prepared to wait, and shut the fuck up while doing so! Most of the other people waiting took five minutes out of their day to book a reservation or service appointment, so they get to go before you. Calling me an asshole is not going to expedite things, as a matter of fact, if you do shit like that in a restaurant, expect to eat someone else’s boogers/bodily fluids with your meal, you rude cocksucker. And if I'm out & about I'll say the shit the people you're trying to bully aren't allowed to say to you.

6: “The customer is always right” is total bullshit of the highest magnitude. It is not now, nor was it ever, true. If you know what you’re talking about and you know what you want, you are practically unique. Once again, it’s your responsibility to read your manual/warranty/service contract/usage agreement, not mine. If you use a product in a way that it was not designed to operate, you don’t deserve a replacement no matter how much you whine about it. If you ruin something out of ignorance or stupidity, tough shit, buy another one. Or don’t, I could give a fuck. People like you are the reason there are instructions on a tube of toothpaste, you illiterate fucktard.

7: If someone asks you if you want to speak to someone in your native language, don’t get all pissy and yell that your English is perfect, they only ask because your English sucks so bad it’s a total fucking grind to talk to you. Some places, call centers in particular, keep track of how long their employees spend on each call, and you are fucking up their stats & pay with your non-existent grasp of the English language. Stop being a selfish asshole and just ask for the translator/language line.

I’m sure there’s a lot of shit I left out, so if you’re in the service industry, feel free to add your input.


Tiffany said...

Excellent no-holds-barred advice! I try to be a good customer because I used to be in customer service and I know how much it can suck. #4 is my favorite. I did not create your problem! I'm trying to help you, you idiot!
Thanks for this list. I'm going to pass it around.

Anonymous said...

All that is so true. I also love how customers yell at you for them being late and they demand you to waive their late fee. People need to take responsibility for their own actions and pay the consequences, instead of screaming in our years like it's our fault they are late!

Anonymous said...

thank you thank you thank you!! If I had a nickel for every time some guy called me with one day notice on his morphine I'd be a RICH person by now. They refuse to call in on time and then demand that I drop everything and page every doctor to get their meds right NOW. Ugh. Screw dat.