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Saturday, September 12, 2009

Dangerous Logical Fallacy

OK, we've all seen the ads on TV for some alarm company where some creep is watching an innocent woman or child or both and kicks open their front door in broad daylight. All of a sudden, an alarm shrieks to life, the criminal makes eye contact with his intended victim and runs off.
I can't tell you how much these ads offend me. First of all, anyone fucked up enough to kick in the door of someone's home in broad daylight is not going to turn tail and run off just because some alarm goes off. The first thing they are going to do is get hold of their victim to control their movements, that way they can keep them away from any exit or phone. The next thing they'll do is bind the victim with something so they can be controlled with minimal effort. So by the time the company monitoring the alarm system lets the phone ring the required number of times, they then have to determine whether it's a genuine emergency or someon'es talking on their phone & just doesn't want to answer the call-waiting signal (I do that all the time), they then call 911 to alert the authorities. You think the cops are going to show up in time to save you? Ask Nathan Lee how that worked out:
His wife was kidnapped, raped and then murdered while she was talking to 911! Ok, they may not have heard the gunshot that killed her but fuck! Five calls to 911 did sweet fuck-all to help this poor woman. It broke my heart to listen to her calls & it made me angry at the impotence of the "system" that so many people count on for their safety. If you worry about safety for yourself & your family, learn how to avoid or take care of trouble. I have dogs & guns, but let's be honest, that's not a universal solution & won't work for everyone. Same for Martial Arts. But you can do something, just find out what that something is and do it.

That's a classic example of Appeal to Emotion, a logical fallacy used to prove a point without resorting to actual facts. Any time you see an ad that implies "what you have is not good enough" whether it's your SUV, sunblock or alarm system, they are appealing to your emotions rather than your rationale. They count on your ego, lust, ignorance and fear to motivate you to buy the latest & greatest products, namely theirs. Why else would someone buy a Cadillac Escalade? It's the exact same vehicle as a GMC Yukon, just dolled up so they can charge a shitload more money for it, because isn't a Cadillac better than a plain-old GMC?
The whole SUV craze was based on an appeal to emotion: "Don't you want your family to be safe?" - an appeal to fear, because it's been proven time and again that SUVs are less safe in accidents; "How impressed would your neighbors be if you brought home a Lincoln Navigator instead of a boring old Ford Explorer like they have?"- an appeal to vanity or pride, because they never explain why the Navigator is a better vehicle, just that it's an impressive display of wealth & it will make your neighbors jealous of you; "You can do anything or go anywhere! It's sporty and useful!"- an appeal to vanity again, because the only time 99.9% of SUVs go off-road is when their drivers are drunk, and minivans are way more utilitarian. But don't minivans have their own logical fallacies attached to them? "It's not Manly," "It's a 'MommyMobile,'" are classic appeals to vanity. You don't need a 6000 pound all-wheel-drive vehicle to negotiate the strip malls of Suburbia

Friday, July 3, 2009

The Most Patriotic Design You'll See on the 4th of July

Here's likely the most honest and straight forward design you will see while celebrating "Independence Day" in 2009.
Consider this: The average American household has about $8k just in credit card debt, and the national average interest rate is somewhere north of 17%. Do the math & see how fucked almost everyone is.
That's just credit cards, too, that doesn't include that $56k Slow Useless Vehicle you just had to have to impress those asshole neighbors you can't stand, just to rub their noses in it. Good job, Dicktard, that mountain of debt will show them you're no one to be trifled with....
Not to mention the overvalued house you "bought" with a subprime mortgage. How else could you afford a $250k home on thirty grand a year? Guess what? You can't, Dumbass! Now that your payments have tripled, you're crying "foul" because you signed something without reading it, or if you read it, you certainly didn't understand it. And since this is America, it's always someone else's fault, because it most certainly isn't yours.

Monday, June 29, 2009

Bring on the Hate Mail!

I'm going to come right out and say it: Michael Jackson's death is no great loss. I'm actually surprised he didn't kill himself years ago. Now, before you get your Underoos and sequined gloves all in a twist, I'll explain my position.
First of all, he's a fucking pedophile, or more specifically, a pederast. Yeah, yeah, he was never convicted blah blah blah....what the fuck ever. That's just a prime example of our "justice" system being the best money can buy. Why else would he flee the country that loves him so much? Oh, that's right, to escape any further prosecution, if someone decided they needed more Hush Money. Only the Catholic Church spent more money in that area than he did, but let's be honest, they had quite a few more people to hush than he did, not to mention all those moving vans, more PR people, and all those out of work Fantasy writers who did their press releases, I'm sure it was a logistic nightmare.
Second, he was a complete fucking whacko. I'm not talking about the one glove or all the plastic surgeries (although that is a fucking horror show in its own right), or not wanting to grow up. No, I'm talking about the guy who slept in a hyperbaric chamber, bought the Elephant Man's skeleton to display at his house, dangled his newborn over a balcony, and the list just goes on and on. I think he single-handedly kept the Enquirer & other rag mags in business during the 80s and 90s. Don't believe me? Do a search for the "art" from Neverland, it's fucking disturbing.
Third, his legacy is a mountain of debt. He may have been called the King of Pop, but could have been King of Paupers. Some estimates give a figure near $400 MILLION FUCKING DOLLARS!
What the fuck? He's worse with money than Mike Tyson?

Here's how I'll always remember Whacko Jacko: holding someone's cock.

Then there were things he did that really made him look pretty much like a dick. He outbid Sir Paul McCartney for a catalog of Beatles songs, when anyone with any kind of class wouldn't even have considered bidding, period. I mean, McCartney wrote or co-wrote those songs, not to mention recorded them. Then he got a chance to shake hands with President Reagan, who I thought was also a huge prick. And when he shakes Reagan's hand, he left his stupid glove on. Talk about buying into your own hype! The only Americans that should leave their gloves on when shaking hands with the president are Servicemen in dress uniforms.
He's just another tragic figure in a long line of musical trainwrecks, but the way people seem to be carrying on, you'd think he was on a par with Elvis, Jimi Hendrix, Janice Joplin, Jim Morrison, or John Lennon. He's not. Not even close. Too many equate record sales with talent, and it's just not so. He was a decent singer that MTV, adolescent girls and good timing turned into a superstar, whatever that is any more.
Just another kid that got turned out on the airwaves of corporate whoredom. Like I said, no great loss.

Well, bring on the hate mail, with your pathetic bleating that will most assuredly fall on deaf ears.

Monday, June 8, 2009

Gays Are the New "Coloreds"

Well, well, it seems that the Neo-Nazi religious fanatics in this country have found themselves a whole new group of people to subjugate, and apparently the Supreme Court in the People's Republic of Kalifornia think it's just A-OK with them. I'm talking about Prop 8, of course, the bill that basically states that homosexuals are second-class citizens.
Think that's over-simplified? Think of it this way: separate is NEVER equal. To "allow" LGBT couples to form "civil unions" is the worst kind of Orwellian Doublespeak bullshit spouted by people who don't have the balls to speak the truth.
That truth, as I see it, is that elected officials would rather discriminate against the LGBT community than upset the semi-literate, jackbooted, bible-thumping religious fanatic members of their constituency. They say it's to protect the "sacred nature" of marriage. I call mega-bullshit on that. If marriage were so fucking sacred, divorce would be illegal, and how many elected officials would sign their name to that piece of legislature, honestly?
These are the same types who passed the notorious Jim Crow laws so they could keep all those recently freed slaves "in their place." They also tried to ban interracial marriage, and used the same tired bullshit to justify it then as they are using now.
You think that's not a legitimate comparison? Ask any schoolkid if they'd rather be Black or Gay for a day at school.... Sure, the cops aren't using fire hoses or attack dogs on them, yet.
Look, I don't want to minimize the Civil Rights movement from the 60s, because I remember seeing how awful that shit was on the news. All I'm saying is that in a modern society what's good for one is good for all, you can't pick and choose who gets to exercise their rights & who has to sit in the middle & suck on it. You also can't legislate morality, nor should you even try. Marriage is sacred? According to whom? Certainly not any of the Abrahamic religions, whose founding namesake married his own sister, who also gave him a green light to bang the help. Too bad hypocrisy isn't physically painful...
And all you "people of color" who voted to support Prop 8 should be ashamed of yourselves, because I guarantee there were gays marching to support your rights 40 some years ago, so fuck you.
Don't you think they're entitled to the same chance at happiness as everyone else?

I'll tell you this much, I'd give a gay man my last dollar before I'd piss in a bible-thumper's sucking chest wound, because I know the gay man would never try to cram his belief system or lifestyle down my throat, or up my ass, or....fuck it, find your own analogy. At least all the gay men I've known never found a compulsion to try to convert me, or worse, judge me.
To all you Nazi pricks trying to hide behind your Stone Age dogma just so you can feel superior to someone, try a new experience, try minding your own fucking business & not telling other people how to live, at least until you're as perfect as you think you are. And to all you religious organizations out there: if you want to chime in on political issues, pay for the right like the rest of us, pay taxes or shut the ever-loving fuck up. Stay out of politics & stick to what you know: selling salvation to a gullible flock of morons, polygamy and child molestation.

Sunday, May 31, 2009

Enough is Enough

Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with this Uber-pussified country? If a pediatrician would have done this shit thirty years ago some kid’s dad would have beat him into a coma! Read this batch of bullshit and you’ll know what I’m talking about:

Doctors Interrogate Children as Informants on Parents' Behavior

If my wife & I had kids and some quivering jizz-dribble of a doctor performed a fucking interrogation on them like that, I’d kick his ass off this fucking PLANET!!

What kind of demented Orwellian nightmare have we let our nanny government create? And we’re paying for the whole fucking thing!!! What if your kid was pissed because you turned off Spongebob, or you wouldn’t take them to Chuck E. Cheese every day? Some fucking government Jackboot Squad would just serve one of their famous “No Knock” warrants and most likely just shoot you before they take your kids away, to be molested for real as wards of the State.

Along with activist judges trying to push their own narrow-minded agendas down our throats, pharmacists who refuse to dispense medications that offend their religious beliefs and the ballooning number of trigger-happy cops in this country, doctors seem to have no problems overstepping the authority of their jobs. This is what happens when people stop relying on their own abilities and standing up for themselves. Disputes that used to be settled in backyards are now settled in courts, and the only ones gaining anything from this system are the lawyers who created it.

I think Amerika can still be salvaged from the politically-correct sniveling cunt factory it has become, but we have got to say “Enough of this shit is enough, already!”

Monday, January 19, 2009

How to Not Suck as a Customer

OK, I have been working in customer service or similar fields for over 10 years, and I have some insight on how to be a better customer. That’s right, how you ignorant fucks can help people like me better take care of your problems.

1: I know you’re a very busy and important person (insert eye-rolling and universally recognized mock-masturbation hand gesture here), but call from your home or office, because your cellular phone sucks the ass out of a wooden hobby horse. I’m sure your spare-no-expense-to-impress-perfect-strangers electronic ego stroke is the very cutting-edge in gossip technology, but on the other end of your call you sound like your mumbling into a bucket of water, in a tin shack, in a hailstorm, at the far end of a tunnel. And that goes double for you bluetool douchebags. At least your high-tech Freudian phallus picks up every speck of ambient sound in your fucking county, everything but your voice, that is. Your speaker phone is no better, either. I'm sure all your asshole friends are in awe of your multitasking skills, but we don't want to listen to your shitty music/collection of bad tv shows or the clinking of your dishes, do that shit later. The majority of them are also sound-activated, so they clip off the first part of anything you say, that's why we keep asking you to repeat yourself, asshole.

2: Have your shit together. Don’t make me ask a hundred fucking questions, know what you want when you call! If you needed your account number the last fifty times you called, then yes, you’ll fucking need it this time as well! I don’t want to listen to dead air while you rummage through your purse/wallet/filing cabinet/fish tank/mother’s corpse to get a copy of your last bill for information you know good and goddamn well you’re going to need before you even call. Don’t make me fucking guess. And have a fucking writing utensil ready too, because chances are pretty good that I’ll have some useful information that I guarantee you won’t remember.

3: Put your fucking squalling offspring the fuck down! Trust me, your spawn will survive for two minutes without you carrying them around. I also have no desire to shout over your screaming child, or have your child’s screams amplified directly into my ears. Shockingly, I don’t have children. Mostly because I’m too selfish to be a father (and am man enough to admit it) but also because I despise unruly children and their weak-ass, clueless parents. That’s right, I don’t like kids. Even yours? Especially yours.

4: I did not create your problem. That’s right, I’m not the one you need to shriek at. If you waited until the last minute to bring your car in for service or pay your bill, etc., it’s your fucking fault for waiting till the last minute to get shit done! Don’t get all indignant on me, and fuck your unrealistic expectations, because I don’t care how so-and-so do things. Go there, and stop wasting my fucking time with your bullshit sense of entitlement. Just because you can’t plan your day or budget your time effectively, don’t expect me or my people to drop everything to stop the world just for you.

5: If you don’t make an appointment or reservation for service, be prepared to wait, and shut the fuck up while doing so! Most of the other people waiting took five minutes out of their day to book a reservation or service appointment, so they get to go before you. Calling me an asshole is not going to expedite things, as a matter of fact, if you do shit like that in a restaurant, expect to eat someone else’s boogers/bodily fluids with your meal, you rude cocksucker. And if I'm out & about I'll say the shit the people you're trying to bully aren't allowed to say to you.

6: “The customer is always right” is total bullshit of the highest magnitude. It is not now, nor was it ever, true. If you know what you’re talking about and you know what you want, you are practically unique. Once again, it’s your responsibility to read your manual/warranty/service contract/usage agreement, not mine. If you use a product in a way that it was not designed to operate, you don’t deserve a replacement no matter how much you whine about it. If you ruin something out of ignorance or stupidity, tough shit, buy another one. Or don’t, I could give a fuck. People like you are the reason there are instructions on a tube of toothpaste, you illiterate fucktard.

7: If someone asks you if you want to speak to someone in your native language, don’t get all pissy and yell that your English is perfect, they only ask because your English sucks so bad it’s a total fucking grind to talk to you. Some places, call centers in particular, keep track of how long their employees spend on each call, and you are fucking up their stats & pay with your non-existent grasp of the English language. Stop being a selfish asshole and just ask for the translator/language line.

I’m sure there’s a lot of shit I left out, so if you’re in the service industry, feel free to add your input.

Saturday, November 22, 2008

Man, I Sure Miss Frank Zappa

Over 20 years ago, back when MTV was worth watching, there was a certain group of busybody cunts who wanted to tell everyone else how to live. They called themselves the PMRC and wanted to rate musicfor the rest of us according to their personal tastes. Ordinarily, they would have been told to fuck off, but unfortunately for us, their husbands happened to be U.S. Senators. This meant that legislation equating to censorship was closer to reality than a lot of smarter people were comfortable with. It also meant that there were hearings on Capitol Hill, regarding music & the rating thereof.

I'm not going to give the PMRC members or their husbands' names here, if you're curious, look it up, I will, however, tell you that I watched part of those hearings on TV, and I was floored by the diverse group representing the music industry that sat before those hearings to try to bring reason & intelligence to the proceedings.

Picture this group, if you can: John Denver, Ice-T and Frank Zappa. I'm pretty sure Rob Halford from Judas Priest was there too, but I didn't see his testimony. Anyway, John Denver was threatened with censorship over his song "Rocky Mountain High" when it first came out, because since it has the word "high" in it, it's obviously about encouraging poor defenseless children to abuse drugs. I loved the I-can't-believe-I-have-to-explain-this-to-fucking-adults look on his face when he asked the panel if they actually listened to the song before they condemned it. Ice-T was, of course, far more intelligent and articulate than they expected, and he sounded like he was talking to a Special-Ed class, too.

But Frank Zappa was fucking mezmerizing. He gave such compelling testimony, and also compared the PMRC & their ilk to fucking Nazis, which they basically are. You can read the transcript of one of his testimonies in the link at the end of this post. It's sad that Amerika has so few people like Mr. Zappa today, or we might not be in the giant shithole we're in now, thanks to people like George W. Bush & his "Emperor's New Clothes" regime.

Also take some time to see this video and you'll know what I'm talking about:

I sure do miss him, not only as a genius musician, but as a Real American.