Things Every American Needs to Know

So you think you're a Good American. If you're anything like the majority of people that I deal with every day, I have some bad news, Skippy.

First off, let's talk about a few differences that most Americans are unaware of:

There is a huge difference between Rights and Privileges. You have the right to vote, own a gun, speak out against your elected officials, worship whatever imaginary being you choose and say anything to anyone. That's right, you have the right to call a black man a "nigger." But you do not have the right to complain when that same black man justifiably beats the ever-loving shit out of you because you fucking deserve it, you racist piece of shit.

You have the right to spend your money as you see fit, even if you want to buy an over priced, self-indulgent and totally unnecessary SUV. But if you go ahead and buy your ego stroking behemoth that gets horrible fuel economy, you forfeit your right to bitch about the price of gas, you selfish cocksucker.

You have the right to vote, even though you are most likely ignorant and ill-informed, having your opinions spoon-fed to you via any of the mainstream media, who coincidentally enough, are owned by the same big businesses as most of Congress & the Senate. Stop watching CNN, MSNBC and Fox "News" and learn something about the candidates, because I'm really fucking tired of your shitty choices affecting my goddamn life, you fucking sheep.

You do not, however, have the right to drive like a total asshole, on any road you like. Driving is a privilege granted to you by the state you live in, which is why you need to get a new one when you move to a different state. Even though a half retarded chimp can get a driver's license in most states, you're supposed to display a modicum (look it up, dicktard, I don't have a remedial blog) of skill to demonstrate you deserve that privilege. The state also has the right to revoke your license if you do something extraordinarily stupid, though they don't do this often enough in my less-than-humble opinion.

So explain to me why my driver's license is valid anywhere in the U.S. but my concealed carry permit isn't. And you unskilled fuckers are lucky it's not as hard to get a DL as it is to get a CCW, and I think it should be harder, if anything. After all, I had to prove to a certified instructor that I possess a higher-than-average degree of skill with a handgun in order to be allowed to exercise my right to carry one. 'Splain that one to me, Lucy.

You do not have the right to a ridiculous amount of credit, no matter how well you think you manage your finances. As a matter of fact, you don't have the right to credit at all if a bank or credit union thinks you're a shitty risk. They actually have the right, as businesses, to dictate the terms of any credit they extend to you. Want a higher limit on your card? Prove you deserve it. Can't do that? Tough shit, just sit there & suck on it, Deadbeat. Try negotiating the price of groceries the next time you go shopping, see where that gets you. You also don't have the right to max out your credit cards, get a second or third mortgage, tons of personal loans and a brand-new car(none of which you can really afford) and then fuck over your creditors by declaring bankruptcy. You're nothing more than a scammer and a thief at that point, asshole.